Venturing away from fantasy land for a bit, I’d like to officially launch my campaign to have the Colts tank the season and draft Andrew Luck. If Peyton Manning is going to miss an extended period, the Colts should embrace it and make something beautiful of it. (Think Tim Duncan to the Spurs.) Since they can’t blatantly tank the season, I suggest these 10 more subtle forms of self-sabotage:
10) Send Bill Polian on sabbatical and bring in Matt Millen as an interim general manager for the season.
9) Put the barking dog version of Jingle Bells on a permanent loop on Lucas Oil Stadium loudspeakers.
8 ) Break into the EA Sports factory and covertly paste team photos on every Madden 12 cover.
7) Throw a team pool party and send entire team swimming less than 30 minutes after eating.
6) Plant a mole in the Bengals front office. Swoop in and grab any player the Bengals are about to sign.
5) Sign Terrell Owens and Randy Moss… then don’t throw a single pass to either of them all season. For good measure, bring in Jeff Garcia as quarterback and hire a parking attendant to follow Moss around all year.
4) $0.10 beer night at every home game.
3) Hire Lindsey Lohan as team social director and party planner.
2) Send Jim Caldwell backpacking in Europe and bring back Jim Mora. Plant reporters in all press conferences and instruct them to only ask questions about the “playoffs.”
1) Get entire team to attempt this stunt.